Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
