What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
