at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
