I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize