she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
