Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
