She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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