Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
