My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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