she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
