If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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