THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
