Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
