I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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