More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
