some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
