I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
