How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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