he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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