Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
