she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize