So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
