i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
