apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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