my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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