Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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