"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
