I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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