Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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