You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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