whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
