dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
