yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
