Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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