mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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