I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
