Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
