we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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