I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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