i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
