I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
