I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
