Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
