I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
