I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
