i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize