I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
