youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
