I just pynch a tree in the face
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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