I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
