I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
