I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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