You're my little dorito
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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