I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
