Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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