So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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