So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
