I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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