my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
