i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
