Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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